I’m Turning Down Sex Left and Right

“Chirp!” went my phone.

Ben @ 1:24: Hey you! Would you like to meet for drinks tonight?
Me @ 1:32: Let me see how my day plays out.
Ben @ 1:33: I really want to see you.
Me @ 1:49: :) That’s sweet.

I met Ben last week when I was unwinding at a bar. He walked away with my number
and nothing more. He needs to thank the vodka for the number, because normally
I don’t share.


Neil @ 1:52: Hi love! How are you?
Me @ 2:02: Good! You?

Neil and I met a while back when I was in one of my must-be-kissed-or-die moods. He obliged. And, because of his olympic-level makeout abilities, walked away with my number. Neil lives a couple of hours away so we haven’t had the opportunity for
any repeats.

Ben @ 2:03: I can’t get you out of my head.
Me @ 2:10: I’m not sure what to say.

Neil @ 2:04: Great! I’m passing through your town tonight. Wanna meet up?
Me @ 2:11: Let me see. Can I let you know later?
Neil @ 2:12: Sure thing! ttl

Ben @ 2:12: Can I call you?
Me @ 2:13: No. I’m swamped at work. Sorry.
Ben @ 2:13: No problem. I’ll text you after work. 

I pause for a moment to process the fact that two men who I found attractive are texting me in hopes of a romp. Tonight. Then I realize I’m not excited about the prospect. At all. With either of them, even though one happens to be a champion kisser. I touch the back of my hand to my forehead checking for fever. All clear. There’s no sign of a headache on the horizon either. What’s wrong with me? I avoid the issue and bury myself in work.

It’s 7:30 and I’m driving home listening to my phone chirp with text alerts that I’m in no hurry to check. But why? Why don’t I want that easy band-aid of lips-on-lips, maybe even skin-on-skin? In the past it’s always made me feel better.

I’m not changing. My wanton ways still pulse right beneath the surface causing my eyes to darken, my nipples to harden, my mound to glisten. I still crave a good hard dickin’. But perhaps I’m evolving. Because right now, sex without feelings, without depth, without intimacy, without an intellectual connection has no appeal. I want more.* Decision made.

Me to Neil @ 7:45: Hey. Tonight’s no good. Thanks for texting though!
Neil @ 7:48: That’s cool love! Maybe next time.

Ben @ 5:15: I’m heading home. You done?
Ben @ 6:01: Home. You?
Me @ 7:46: Just got home.
Ben @ 7:49: Hey! Are u getting back out tonight.
Me @ 7:51: No. Work was rough. I’m too tired.  
Ben @ 7:53: No problem. Marian I want you. I’m willing to wait.

Willing to wait? Oh dear lord. If we had a mental connection as well as a physical one, I’d be getting goosebumps from that last text. But I don’t. So tomorrow or the next day I’ll find a way to gently and kindly ease him on his way. Perhaps I’ll invent a lover and explain that we’ve gotten back together. We shall see.

So here I am. Home alone, sipping a cold glass of pinot grigio, watching the sunset and breathing. Content. Happy with my decision. And waiting. For what? It’s still a vague misty presence that dances in and out of the impending twilight. Maybe it’s me, coming home to land comfortably inside my own skin at last.


*This will explored in a later post.  

50 thoughts on “I’m Turning Down Sex Left and Right

  1. Need a lover? I’m available…. hehe. Well, as close as I get I guess. I’ve been someones make believe lover before… Hazard of being old and living so far off the beaten path that there don’t seem to be any roads here. But at least your post made me smile and envy those that can give you the feelings.

  2. His name will be Glenn. He’s a periodontist with a background that may have blue blood in it, depending on which side of the family you ask. One evening, while in college drunken stupor, he got ink of a flaming tiger on his left arm. He is adamantly heterosexual, but admits to a cute Asian guy named Thu getting to second base on him while under the influence of brownies and listening to Dark Side Of The Moon. To this day Pink Floyd songs stir ambiguous feelings in him.

    There…I did the hard part. I look forward to reading about how Ben and Neil take the news about Crouching Flaming Tiger Hidden Glenn.

  3. Today, as I do once a week, I got a text from an ex-GF. Just an invite to happy hour, but inevitably, the talk turns to her myriad men and why she can’t meet someone of substance (mostly because she meets men in bars and then fucks them without finding out who they are). So I told her, as I usually do, that I was working late.

    I love when it becomes boring like that.

    • The same ex-girlfriend or do they take turns? And if she wants a man of substance why not embrace the one sitting across the table? Oh… yes. He’s working late. : ) I’ve only done the bar sport fuck thing twice in my life… so for me it wasn’t so much that it was boring. I simply wasn’t feeling it. : )

  4. I know what you mean..
    Lately my letters ( female names on my phone are all just the first letters of their name so I don’t get caught) have been coming out of the wood work looking for… More time, affection, or just to be treated nicely.
    And yes Angel knows but knows she has my heart an no one else ever will so she allows me to play from time to time. Even with T which is for her first name and the fact that she’s Trouble with a capital T. I mean it a radio personality who likes to talk about her sex life on the air. No not a good idea.

    So lately I’ve been ignoring most, and talking to only a few who know their place in my crazy world.

  5. I just love a glass of cold Pinot Grigio and I would adore feeling good in my own skin…just once! I’m really happy for you Noodle. Sounds like you’re heading in the right direction. (I’ll look you up when I arrive! :) )

    Congratulatory Bisous,

  6. Pingback: I’m not feeling all that dissolute. « A Dissolute Life Means…

  7. Pingback: How to Let a Guy Down Easy | Creative Noodling

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