It stung more than I had expected. And expecting it I was. We had talked about it. Planned for it. It was time. Naked in the hotel room I raised my rear in invitation for him, a man I truly trust, to take my spanking virginity. I expected to be aroused, for him to be aroused. I expected it to be light and fun. I expected it to sting. Just not quite that much.
But it isn’t the physical sting I’m fighting now. It’s the emotional sting.
Another lick. I tell myself to hold it together. I breathe and give him a brave smile, encouraging him. I can do this.
It’s harder. And subsequently, harder to hold myself together. I feel myself breaking apart on the inside. I don’t know why. My chin starts to quiver, but I grit my teeth and grin. I will beat this. I will bear it. For him. For me.
I bury my head in the pillow. The tears are coming now and I’m not strong enough to stop them. I don’t want him to see, to know.
I break. Inside I’m screaming, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Over and over and over. And I don’t know why I’m sorry. What have I done wrong? Why am I being punished? My rational side tries to push through. It’s tries to explain that this is just fun, sexual play. But something deeper, something I keep tied tighter than the angels will one day bind Satan twists and battles to get loose.
I shudder from head to toe as a quivering, racking sob finally escapes. I’m fighting. And failing. He jerks the pillow away so he can see my face.
“Oh my god! BABY! You’re crying!”
He shepherds me into his arms, stroking my hair as I soak his chest with my tears whispering, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I calm, sniffing and then lift my eyes to his before giving him a weak smile. But he doesn’t know what’s going on inside.
Inside I’m twisting the ropes around my demons, lassoing their scaled necks, choking them into submission. You WILL NOT have your way with me. You WILL remain dead and buried. You WILL bend to my will. For you are my demons and I own you and there isn’t a smack hard enough in the universe for me to let you free.