I Lost My Spanking Virginity

“SMACK!”

It stung more than I had expected. And expecting it I was. We had talked about it. Planned for it. It was time. Naked in the hotel room I raised my rear in invitation for him, a man I truly trust, to take my spanking virginity. I expected to be aroused, for him to be aroused. I expected it to be light and fun. I expected it to sting. Just not quite that much.

But it isn’t the physical sting I’m fighting now. It’s the emotional sting.

“SMACK!”

Another lick. I tell myself to hold it together. I breathe and give him a brave smile, encouraging him. I can do this.

“SMACK!”

It’s harder. And subsequently, harder to hold myself together. I feel myself breaking apart on the inside. I don’t know why. My chin starts to quiver, but I grit my teeth and grin. I will beat this. I will bear it. For him. For me.

“SMACK!

I bury my head in the pillow. The tears are coming now and I’m not strong enough to stop them. I don’t want him to see, to know.

“SMACK!”

I break. Inside I’m screaming, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Over and over and over. And I don’t know why I’m sorry. What have I done wrong? Why am I being punished? My rational side tries to push through. It’s tries to explain that this is just fun, sexual play. But something deeper, something I keep tied tighter than the angels will one day bind Satan twists and battles to get loose.

“SMACK!”

I shudder from head to toe as a quivering, racking sob finally escapes. I’m fighting. And failing.  He jerks the pillow away so he can see my face.

“Oh my god! BABY! You’re crying!”

He shepherds me into his arms, stroking my hair as I soak his chest with my tears whispering, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I calm, sniffing and then lift my eyes to his before giving him a weak smile. But he doesn’t know what’s going on inside.

Inside I’m twisting the ropes around my demons, lassoing their scaled necks, choking them into submission. You WILL NOT have your way with me. You WILL remain dead and buried. You WILL bend to my will. For you are my demons and I own you and there isn’t a smack hard enough in the universe for me to let you free.

48 thoughts on “I Lost My Spanking Virginity

  1. Interesting place to visit inside yourself, isn’t it? Its quite the art form to do it well, both giving and receiving. I look forward to more of these and how you react from it and your own demons.

      • I never have been in that role but I totally understand your feelings. I would already have to be in aa aroused contentious, sexually rearing state to be spanked without taking it as a challenge to a fight. I guess I’d have to be tied up but only with a guy I knew extremely well or else ther would be a problem after he untied me.

  2. That wrestling with the demons is EXACTLY why I love it so much, especially while I’m being fucked and fucked HARD. There’s a release there, a crowding into myself, into a place I fought against for most of my life and to be in control of going *while* receiving pleasure simultaneously always takes me to the next level. (God, all this talk makes me long for it. Fuck it, I’m so goddamned horny!!) Congrats on going to a new place, my dear friend. :)

    • Thanks. :) My demons don’t need wrestling. I control them by burying them so deep they rarely cross my mind. So… This was an interesting experience, but not the beginning of a regular thing.

      • It’s a willingness to feel it that has to be there in order to bring pleasure. I think it’s great that you went somewhere new in you, even if you won’t be returning. It wasn’t until TN that I truly began to love it.

  3. Wow, that is heavy. The complexity going on in your head is interesting as hell. I can’t tell, though — did it feel like a “never again” kind of thing at the end?

  4. So interesting! I want to go into that headspace so much too. I never thought that a simple spanking could make the demons come out in full force. Do you think you’ll play around with spanking again ever?

  5. It is funny because I can take a belt/ a whip, across my back, my thighs, breast where ever and crave it sometimes but bend me over and spank my ass and I cannot handle it, either emotionally or physically. I know exactly what you speak of here. (((hugs)))

  6. Interesting. Obviously not how you expected to react? But you learned something about yourself. That’s more important than pleasure, I would think

    • General curiousity makes me wonder what your demons are and subsequently if maybe release will bring healing. Maybe that’s just what I think I need for myself though.

      • That was what I was thinking too. Reading this I felt this hurt, angry little girl (in me? in you?) and an overwhelming urge to put her back where she belongs, far from everyday life. I don’t know if conjuring her up in spanking is a way of expelling her or not. I do know there’s so much hype around here about this stuff…it clouds up my perspective.

        Bisous My Sweet Noodle,
        Dawn

        • I have already stared down my demons and am not one who finds resurrecting things to be beneficial. Hence the deep burying I do. :) I like my world to be sunshine and rainbows so I keep things a simple and drama free as possible. :)

  7. Good that you were willing to try with someone you trust. Better that it ended when he recognized it went to far and you were undone by the experience. Each of us has limits and not all of us access pleasure in the same ways, not all of us follow the same muse. Some of our demons need to be held captive, restrained unconditionally.

    I know for me I would never accept any form of violence, none as an act of ‘love’ or ‘passion’. I would accept no restraint either. My demons would be released and I would fight back and with extreme prejudice, even against someone who under normal circumstances I loved and trusted.

  8. There are dark places I know try to find their way out by planting seeds of sexual fantasies. Some I’ve ventured into. Others I’m not sure I could ever face in reality.

  9. Wow. This was really heavy and raw. Good luck with keeping those demons contained… but you tried. He should be happy.

Talk to me. Please.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s