The Reason I Started Blogging Emailed

The reason I started this blog emailed me. Today. I’m at a loss. I shouldn’t be undone by contact from him. But I am. I reached out to my dear dissolute friend to talk me down from the ledge. She did. So I’ll share a bit of the story… in pictures.

So here I am. Not exactly back at square one… but not as calm, cool and collected as I was. And for the record I DO know how to spell Australian. I just seem to add an extra “i” when texting. So here I am . Tethering myself to my computer to keep from fucking the first thing in sight. Drinking. Alone. The rum is gone so I’ve moved on to gin. I went for years… YEARS! without getting my heart broken. Why now. Why this man?

I don’t know. But I do know I’m thankful for this outlet. Because I know I’ll crawl back into the light and be all right again. But shit, damn, hell. WHY? Why does he reach out? Part of me is thrilled! I could run marathons on the high I got from seeing his name in my inbox. And then the rational side of me is furious. What has he done to deserve such a reaction? Nothing. But here I am. Trembling. And so help me… if he asked me to come to him. I would.

61 thoughts on “The Reason I Started Blogging Emailed

  1. Wow. Reduced to Gumby by a dude. You, of all people. Where’s my iconic confident, sultry girl? He’s just a guy that likes that he touched you inside, and you responded.

    Men are ruthless that way. If you feed their egos, they stop caring about yours. You think May and he was aching the whole time. I think he was aching today and needing a boost.

    I wouldn’t respond at all, because to do so is to encourage more ruthlessness.

  2. OH GOD – WTF – Seriously!!! I’m starting to feel like we women are in one big Volleyball Game and the Elusive Guy is the ball we just keep poppin’ around the court and we just swoon and yearn for the next time that ball comes around to be popped again. We need a new fucken game!!! (I’m amused but not really) NOTHING against you M, but doesn’t it seem like a theme none of us planned or like we all wore the same dress to this wordpress party!!! I feel the need to keep extra panties and tissue for the moisture these men cause… ok, READY!!! : )

    • Unplanned for sure! I’ll write more on this whole thing because now that I’ve opened the lid some explaining is necessary. But for now thank you for reading and encouraging me. And I love your metaphors. : )

      • I WAS going to say put together something that Jack is no longer “jack” but it wasn’t fitting…. poor Jack…maybe he’ll be the hero when all of this is over. Australia is just too inaccessible, especially with a newborn hooked around his ankles… uphill battle I mean
        all in all – life IS exciting for you!

    • It’s a new day. And I’m breathing. Thank god for gin. And rum. And vodka. : ) Gosh I sound like a lush. lol.
      It must be an appealing dress for so many of us to be wearing it, huh?

      • Throw in some tequila, some sweet and sour and a splash of Coke and you’ve got a Long Island!

        I think the “dress” is biological, more of a birthday suit… part of our human nature that’s just hard to outgrow. The guy I want to play with and the guy I want to spend time with are pretty different animals who don’t have a high tolerance for each other. I keep reminding myself that someday, only one of them will still matter to me.

  3. Wow M I cant believe it. Don’t respond, it will only lead to more hurt. I know you know this but it never hurts to hear, so I will say it. You deserve so much more. Keep searching until you find it.

  4. Oh Dear

    ‘Unrequited Love’ meets ‘Hell Hath No Fury’.

    And just when the pain had subsided and you thought you had him neatly parked away under ‘Past Funs’…he pops up to rub it in and share the joys of New Parenthood with his ex-Best Friend. Even if the new mother is the one he chucked you over for.

    IMHO, as one on the other side in this sort of interaction, the feelings never seem to go away totally. And, as with herpes, it can flare up to blight, or brighten, your life without warning on just the lightest pretext.

    I’m sorry, you are just going to have to chew your pillow and shed a tear. He is not on a plane heading for you. Ever. He is just sharing a bit of joy from his new life with somebody he still cares something for from his old life. What do you do? Be big. Smile. Wait a day, congratulate him (and her) on their good fortune. Try not to let the tears show.

    Well, that’s what I try to do;-)

    And accept consoling hugs from all sides. Buy more rum. Invite Hy round; she needs distracting this week.

    • Nick,
      You’re the best. : ) To clarify… he wasn’t rubbing it in. He knew I had wanted to know if he had a girl or a boy. And no one was ever chucked. The girlfriend (who he had asked to marry, but said no [more on that later]) was there all along. I was simply an unexpected blip on the screen of life.
      And I’ll probably do exactly what you said. No tears will show, but I’ll be very tempted to lace it with just enough of that je ne sais quoi to tug at his emotions.
      And Hy… my door is open. Book a flight, hop on a train, or stick out your thumb and come on. ; )

  5. Yeah, that my GF had my baby shit would have a filter on email from him like right now. Straight to my trash. I’d never even see another. I can’t tell you what to do, but I wouldn’t waste my time. There is no such thing as a man with a pregnant GF who loves you, and no such thing as sex better than you are. The rum sounded like a good idea, but…NO DRUNK DIALING!

  6. Mirror the situation. Ask yourself if you, out of the blue, were to just email him do you think he would have the same reaction you did? Emotionally? Physically?

    I read soooooooooo many blogs where variations of the old flame reappear. The blogger is a moth to that flame. The readers see the situation for what it is, yet the moth dances with the flame again, forgetting how much it hurt to get burnt.

    I am sorry if my words sound harsh, but you yourself are far too bright a flame to be a moth to some old one. Keep burning bright.

    • For some reason this went to my spam folder so I’m just now replying… Silly wordpress. I think his reaction would be as strong, but would express itself differently. And yes, I can see how that might sound wishful thinking on my part. But I truly feel that is the case. As I share more of the story you’ll see that he isn’t really an old flame. We have no history. We had hours, just a blink in time really. But it was powerful… as my strong reaction shows. And your advice about not being a moth to an old flame is good. But have no worries. Because I am the flame. I just sometimes flair up when a spritz of old gasoline gets near.

  7. Fuck. I hate the way a word from the right (wrong) guy can do that. The feeling of having all your strength and courage and inner peace feel like an illusion, all in one messily instant. It’s just a temporary falter. You’ll find your balance again.

  8. It sucks when someone has that power over someone and isn’t careful with it. It sucks how things can seem to just fall apart in an instant. But, they don’t really fall apart. First piece of advice at the top, breathe, take deep breaths, time and wisdom can do amazing things. Hang in there!!

    • I probably will respond and as I share more of the story the reasoning will make more sense… but I haven’t yet. I’ll be waiting a few days so that when I do respond I’m happy with every word.

  9. D:
    Oh whatever…you’re a hot commodity. You’ll get through this.
    [hugs] I hope you figure what to do (or not to do), soon :]

  10. I’ve been there, damn it. Why do some men do it to us?
    Stay strong… don’t react. I agree it is the best advice given here.

  11. Are you thinking of having sex with Hy yet? Because if you did, I think the internet might explode, and all would be well in the world.
    Well, that was off topic.
    Have a pleasant day, thank you for your time and the consideration of this deep and thoughtful comment. I would appreciate a long and thoroughly detailed reply, and it must contain at least the hint of a possibility of the aforementioned encounter so as not to disappoint my imaginatory prowess, and I want it in, let’s say, the next two hours, or else you will be reprimanded accordingly with harsh, abrasive word-sounds, like Harumph! And Ptccchhhhh!
    Did you know imaginatory is not a word? It sounds like a word, doesn’t it? Works well enough. I declare it a word! I am, of course, fully qualified to do so in a legally binding, statutory sort of way.
    Good luck with the whole love thing.
    I’m working on it. It’s really really hard!!!
    Who knew?

  12. Oh, :( bummer. Reminds me of the guy who hurt me. He’s married now. Super bummed when I found that out. Not that I believe for a second that I loved him, but man it hurt.

    You’re stronger than you think. That’s a truth you have to embrace. Glad Hy talked you down and that you shared it. That was the funniest conversation to read by far. Lol.

    • You’re the first one to say it was funny! Thank you! I thought I was imagining things cause I found the whole thing pretty damn amusing. : ) As far as the man goes… I’m keeping my chin up and will do so. And I’m glad he emailed. There’s validation in him reaching out.

  13. Ah Marian, we all have someone(s) in our past who we love and maybe will always have a flame in our heart for that burns hot at the mention of their name, or a simple note such as this. Nothing wrong, just nature; just the way we all our. I still love someone from a history so far back we have both married and divorced a handful of times between us since we were married to each other. But every year on our anniversary, I check records to see is he still married to another, divorced from the last one, still alive, still in the same city I left him in.

    We have been divorced 32 years.

    Wait a couple of days. Tell him you are glad his child was born healthy. Tell him you think of him.

  14. Pingback: Steeping in Memories | Creative Noodling

  15. ah ha! i know this one! for the answer, please leave money in a bag at the corner of wills and main…….and you know that ‘my panties got instantly wet’ means that all bets are off….the body has ways of telling you things :)

      • patience, patience….this is only the first step…..i do hope you haven’t let the bag out of your sight because you’re gonna have to take it someplace else next……head east out of sundown on east richardson street, or ‘farm to market road 301′ ’til you hit the 385; head south to brownfield; just before you reach it, turn south on the 137 – lamesa highway – when you hit ozona, head east on 10; at san antonio cross over to the 37 and head for corpus christi…..go south on 358, over the jfk memorial causeway, left on whitecap bvd, left on windward dr, right onto access road 3a…..there’ll be a catamaran waiting; the rest of your instructions you already have in the comment i left here:

        i’ll be on deck with gin – you must be re-conditioned – and you should get your answer by the time we reach selat karimata

        happy travels

  16. It will be good if you and Hy stick together and keep each other out of trouble. Someone has to know when to say “You’re too drunk to roll joints, you better drive.”

  17. Pingback: I Emailed the Reason I Started Blogging Back | Creative Noodling

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