I Almost Deleted My Blog

I have been unspeakably sad. And still am. The ache in my heart is a physical pain that manifests itself in the form of salty drops flowing down my cheeks. I’ve never understood self mutilation. The idea that the cutting or harming of one’s own flesh could ease the ache didn’t resonate. But that’s what I came close to doing in a metaphorical sense. I almost cut away this intimate part of me that is this blog. There was little rational thinking behind the thought.

I did not loose a child. I did not walk into that horrific scene as a first responder. I did not have to tell a mother that her arms will never again hold her baby.

Even now. All I can think is: Oh my God. Those sweet babies. Sweet precious babies. Precious innocents forever lost.

My soul is keening.

45 thoughts on “I Almost Deleted My Blog

  1. Please. Don’t delete your blog. You bring joy. You cannot prevent other people from sharing hatred but that shouldn’t keep you from being the wonderful person you are. I don’t know you. I wish I did. But still: don’t delete your blog… PLEASE. :-)

  2. Your reaction is emblematic of any parent in the country. I couldn’t watch any news channel in my area , whether local or cable, without tearing up yesterday. Today is better for me I didn’t need to switch to GOLF channel or whatever..
    I watched the chief medical examiner of Connecticut in his press conference today. The parents last night were shown photos of their children. All the victims were shot in that space with the Bushmaster which is a sportsman version of the AR-15 (M16), All of the victims were shot twice, some 3-11 times and at close range.
    I live only 15 miles from Newtown. I don’t know anyone there. It doesn’t matter. They are my neighbors. I took a break today and checked some foreign newspapers. The Times had a picture of Emilie Parker on the front page. How could anyone shoot this little angel at point-blank range?

    This is one of those incidents I’ll always remember when it happened and where I was when it happened. JFK’s assassination on Nov.22,1963 and Sep.!!,2011.

  3. It is something which not only must we never forget but we must actually get angry about, because things need to change, people cannot pass the buck and blame a government or illness but they need to look in their own homes and ask what is going on here, why do people hold life so cheap that obliterating it comes so easily, after all it is only a few months ince the slaughter at the mall/cinema complex and though a lot of americans hate this being said why have you got a gun in your house, this was a legally owned gun owned by his mother who he also killed. Why was it not locked away securely rather than where he could easily access it. huge changes need to be made not just in the US but across the globe about the lessons we teach our children

  4. It is too terrible for words. And no words help.

    We can just huddle together for a little comfort. Here is a good place to do it. Thanks for being here.

  5. I feel your pain and sadness. Words cannot describe or make any of us understand why these poor babies were taken from their families. It still makes me cry…..There are no words.

  6. I am glad you reconsidered the deletion. I need your words and thoughts.

    As a parent to a kindergartener I am still dumbstruck, basically numb. I don’t want details, I don’t want to think about whether we should discuss this as a family. My protectie instinct says no, it isn’t time, it will only cause fear and more pain. I run. I run back to Fantasyland. I kow it isn’t “right” it is what I do. I envy your ability to process your emotions. The best I can do is never forget those angel babies and be the best Mama I can be.

    Hugs, thank you for sticking around.

  7. I have sobbed every time I’ve read a story, watched a clip, or even thought about it. I’m still not strong enough to see the list of names. I cannot imagine the animal that could do this to all those precious babies and the adults who tried to protect them.

    You offer something beautiful for the world with your words. Grieve, as we all should; get angry if you need to; but do not remove another piece of beauty from the world. There’s already been enough loss…

  8. I think I know how you feel – “retreat” ! But, I know that isn’t the answer. I went into a store yesterday to buy a belt in hurry and when I finally “looked” to see the line – it was LONG. I forgot – Holiday Christmas shopping!! Something in my own heart, was already so soft because of this heinous murder. I felt other people being softer too. No one was complaining, although I hadn’t been there really long. I just thought, now is the time for us to kinder, gentler people to each other. I don’t think that boy felt connected to anyone, and that seems to be a scary trend. Big Bear Hugs to you Marian! Don’t think of deleting your blog anymore, ok? Jayne

  9. Xs and Os to you, dear Marian. This has been on my mind a lot. Moreso the mental health aspect (I did read your link too) than the gun control issue–although, I’m a bit of a bleeding heart liberal, so I needn’t say where I stand on that particular issue, and frankly politics have no place in this discussion anyway.

    Every day that passes, every time there is more information released, and today… with the pictures and the tiny bios… no. It’s very hard to bear and I feel for everyone who was directly affected by this. I also feel for our nation, because this has become much too commonplace.


  10. Denying your creative yearnings won’t do anyone any good.
    There are better ways to honor thse Fallen Angels.
    Hang in there. You can lead an honorable life and still be the sexy, intelligent goddess you were born to be.

  11. Grave news, indeed. I taught a class of kids from ages 4 to 7, and it’s disturbing to think that could have happened to them, too.
    I think keeping the discussion alive helps. Sharing may be the simplest step to prevention in the future, so thanks for writing this, no matter how difficult.

  12. Marian, you bring joy. We need joy in this world so you should stay in this world, this blogosphere and continue to do what you do, bring joy. There are plenty like me who speak from a different position, who speak from the position of being a gun violence victim, who speak from being a domestic violence victim, who speak sometimes from advocacy and other times from our fury. While we might be needful voices, we rarely bring joy, we rarely make others feel good, we rarely make others smile.

    I am always so grateful, so glad when I see your postings. You make me smile. I may not always participate, I may not always comment, I always like though. I am one of your dedicated followers, because you are a gentle heart. For this I am grateful, for the joy you bring, the smiles you bring, the giggles you sometimes bring.

    Yes, this right now it is horrifying. I am writing about it, I will likely continue to write about it. The people who follow me know my positions, know my history and know that though I do have a lighter side I write from a dark place very frequently. But we need you, so stay and bring your joy.

  13. With a little one of the same age I have been avoiding the details, knowing full well that they will tear at my heart and leave me feeling like a ghost. My dear friend was kind enough to warn me away from the news, protecting my heart and I love her for that.
    Many times have I considered deleting my blog, always for selfish and self loathing reasons… please continue to give us hope and joy in the way that you do.

  14. I am still trembling when thinking about this tragedy. And there is nothing more that we can do than spreading love, hope and faith, Marian. I really believe so.

  15. Even now…the weight and sadness of the pain of that day sits like a stone in my stomach. I can’t bear to think of what it must have looked like/been like in the midst of that madness. God, those babies….I can’t think of it without crying. I couldn’t bring myself to blog about it because it was/is too raw. We all lost our innocence on that day….

Talk to me. Please.

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