My Silent Anniversary

A year ago today I woke an unbeliever. Sure, I believed in love, but I viewed it as the culmination of a series of choices. It was a systematic thing. A person loved because he or she chose to love and that love was based on similar worldviews, attraction, personality and most importantly commitment. The butterflies always fade so, at the end of the day, there must be more than lust and attraction as the ties that bind together a relationship. I thought anything else was an illusion. I lived in a black and white world. There was committed love and passionate lust. I didn’t allow that there might be something else… an other, a gray area where science and reason ceased to exist.

I scoffed at the romantics, the ones who told tales of love at first sight. The idea of “falling” in love was as foreign to me as mobile phones would have been to the Knights of the Round Table—simply unfathomable. One didn’t just fall, and people who said they had were just confusing lust and love. Soulmates were a myth; compatibly was truth.

I didn’t believe love could show up in a garden, that it could take one so completely by surprise, that it could develop, blossom and grow so rapidly that a lifetime could be lived twenty hours. Now, three hundred and sixty-five days later, I believe. I believe in past lives or genetic memory or something that’s within that recognizes its counterpart on sight.

I believe what happened to me is rare. I don’t believe it will happen again. The soul, after all, can only take so much. And that makes me even more thankful that it happened. I think of all the people who will never know such joy, such elation and, inversely, such despair.

A year ago today I had never had my heart broken. But I believe I’m fortunate, lucky or blessed to have experienced a depth of feeling so great that, when I realized the utter hopelessness of a future together, the actual physical pain that followed was unlike anything I could have imagined. To attempt to describe it seems futile, but I attempted to once.

I will go through the motions today, appearing to work, perhaps even getting a few things done. But in reality I’m a ghost. Today I replay my memories. Like a grainy black and white film, they flicker across the screen of my mind. I still need to finish telling my story, but that won’t be today. February eleventh will forever be my silent anniversary, one no one knows about but you who read my innermost thoughts. Today I recognize the day I became a believer. Today I acknowledge my awakening.

46 thoughts on “My Silent Anniversary

  1. I never wish that pain or realization on anyone, but there are times when it is needed to allow us to move on to a greater happiness. Don’t stop listening to your heart, even if it takes some of those side paths along the way….

  2. silent anniversaries of unacknowledged moments…sometimes you have to wrap yourself in the blanket of emotions and allow yourself to grieve..even if its for a few hours.. and then pretend to move on again…

  3. I feel every word from your heart. Even though, I had my own Gorgeous Goodbye, I still feel every word, feeling what I felt at the time… For me, it’s a double edged sword to have had and lost such treasure. Truly, a blessing and a curse…but what spice to life, right? Some people go through life not feeling that. At the worst of times, I wish I were one of them. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I think you might feel the same. Do something REALLY nice for yourself today. Jayne

  4. My life, all your readers’ lives, would be far less rich if chance had not taken you to that garden a year ago.
    All that followed, however, is down to you:-)

  5. You know, sweet Noodle, were it not for that Garden Meeting, you and I would never have hugged, either. Funny how the butterfly effect works. I’m sorry for your broken heart (or course), but I’m also grateful for it because it brought you into my life. Love you – Hy

  6. What a gentle memorial to the balance of love. Universal unmeasurable euphoria and soul gutting loss. May everyone feel both, just once. I will quietly ache in solidarity today. But not before trying to bring a momentary smile to your beautiful lips… Sir Galahad carried a pager. ;)

  7. “I believe what happened to me is rare. I don’t believe it will happen again. The soul, after all, can only take so much.”

    Don’t be so sure. Life is made of surprises. And although those moments will stay forever engraved into your mind and soul, you’ll have more. Don’t even doubt it. The best moments are not always behind us, contrary to what most people think… ;-)

    Smile. Even on this bittersweet day. Smile to the unknown. Smile to wind… Something’s probably already coming your way… :-)

      • The future is an adventure for all of us, and thrilling is the way it has to be. We may get screwed at the end (both senses) but anything we don’t live is something we don’t know either. So if you look back to your past, always think of what has been and not what could have been. Because what could have been is still coming, and our future changes our past.

        Wow. I should write this down in a note pad. Would be a nice epitaph for myself :-)

  8. ((hugs)) When you said you understood, I guess I didn’t realize you really understood. ((BIG HUGS))

    I’m trying to get to that point where I’m grateful that it happened, even though it ended…I’m not there yet…but you give me hope…

  9. Perhaps I have been more or less fortunate- it is hard to say- but I have had the experience of falling hard into love like that more than once. I am now trying to be the other kind of person, the one who does not fall headlong but takes some measured and logical steps before giving my heart away. I don’t know that it will do me a damn bit of good but I am going to try.

    I can’t say that falling in love like that is a necessary experience of the human condition but I, like your other readers, am glad it happened for you since it brought so much enrichment to our experience of your life.

  10. Its a sadness within me that I’ve never been to that place where two people seem to get each other equally, and you feel you can fall and the other one will always catch you. Whether you are right or wrong to think that, I have never been in that place, but to go, however briefly, to that Shangri La must be wonderful. My only regret is you had to leave it

  11. Hugs to you sweet Marian. Old souls, I feel, are always wandering the world looking for something they knew in a past life. We never know what it is, but when we do, it’s very much like waking from a dream. Good or bad.

Talk to me. Please.

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