Falling… again

He’s invading me. Gently. It’s so different. And so good.

But there are boundaries. Lines. Rules. No texts after five. She’s home then. I’ll call you first, he says.

Thank goodness for the distance between us. That will keep us safe.

It’s the old cliché. High school love, rekindled.

He’s not mine to claim. And why should he be? I didn’t claim him before. My damaged soul was too fearful of pain and my dreams too broad to take that risk.

In his arms it felt like coming home, a brief respite from my crazy world.

I feel like I’m empowering him, showing him the true reflection of who he is and can be in the reflection of my love. But at what price? The sting of reality just pierced my chest.

Spending more time than usual with a girl at the office, he says.

The pang surprised me. We talked of him having adventures with others recently and I was fine. But the crunch in my heart when I read his text was physical.

That’s how much I’ve opened up to him. That’s how much I’ve let him in. How much I’ve let my guard down.

I’m vulnerable.

45 thoughts on “Falling… again

  1. There may be different rules when engaging in this kind of relationship, and different ways one is ‘supposed’ to act and feel, but a heart doesn’t really care about these things and will just keep on keeping in its own mysterious way. It’s why we love it so.

    • You said that beautifully. And it’s so true. When we were talking about my reaction I was actually referring to my heart as “she”. As if she was a separate entity from me.

      • She is separate from your mind; they’re like the pair of bosses I used to work for, constantly in communication with each other yet taking on board nothing that the other has to say!

  2. It is always hard to tread the balanced line, the one side you want to own them, the other that you know that they are not really yours.
    Intellectually you know you cannot hold them too close. You will get burnt if you do.
    But.. but.. you will be careful and risk the heart. Again.

  3. I do so wish that the “Like” button actually said: I don’t like the pain/frustration/angst that you’re feeling, but I’m liking this so that you know I feel you, where you’re coming from, and I’d help you if I could.

    xoxo

  4. Those feelings of guilt, vulnerability . . . even a little jealousy(?) at times can be difficult and draining. I used to experience them often the next morning “in the cold light of day”, but as time has gone by I have just come to accept that the heart, and your desires, always seem to over-power logic and reality.
    I came to accept that the giving and sharing of those moments if you truly enjoy them and crave them at the time, are the moments to savour. Indulge and know that you should enjoy that fulfilment and excitement whenever you can. The giving, and receiving, of love and satisfaction may not be eternal, but consume it and engulf it whenever you can.

  5. I recognize my own heart and mind in your words of yours. I think it’s a natural, female human condition? Most of us do it (fall), we get hurt, and when it comes around again, we cannot resist it’s pull, it’s lure, once more. It’s just the way it is. TheSeedSaidSo has it right.

    • I don’t think you know just how touching your first sentence is. Thank you. And you’re right… the reward of the fall is greater than the risk of the hurt. At least that’s how I feel now.

  6. I feel like I’m empowering him, showing him the true reflection of who he is and can be in the reflection of my love. But at what price? The sting of reality just pierced my chest.

  7. I love that bit about empowering him… What a beautiful sentiment and admittedly something I’ve been on the receiving end of… Feeling like a woman is feeding me with love, giving me her power, her grace, her wisdom, her beauty… and sometimes I worry if I’m just a leech. Feeding without being fed. But i’d much rather have the spoon, her fingers, or…

  8. Vulnerable is good.
    Vulnerable is torture.
    A constant battle, isn’t it? Those things which open us up to the utmost joyousness of being human and the very same things opening us to the utmost torture of the same …

    • I like to be in control… so vulnerable is a rare place for me. So because of it’s rarity it’s definitely a precious time. It’s also something I don’t take lightly. Thankfully he knows me better than any human on earth. So he doesn’t take it lightly either.

Talk to me. Please.

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