Sorting Thoughts

He gets attention from other women when I’m not available. And often I’m not. You don’t get to the level I’m at by simply knowing the difference between a tulip and a tuberose. It takes drive, effort, long hours—the proverbial blood, sweat and tears.

And who am I to complain? I do the same thing. Sometimes from men who are legally bound to others. I suppose I should be thankful to his women, for filling in the gaps when I don’t have the time or energy. And most of the time I am. It’s when he laps it up like a happy puppy—lavishing innocent enough wags in reply to their praise and pats—that I get bothered.

I just have to figure out why I get bothered. “You’re the most important to me,” he says, “No one else matters.”  Hearing that helps. And to give him credit, he tells me this knowing he won’t hear it in return.

The funny thing is, I pushed him to do it, to seek out other company. Part of it was my perverse way of testing him, to see how much I really mattered. I did a very good job of being an undesirable, unavailable, selfish brat on my end just to make the test that much more challenging. Test is the wrong word. It implies pass/fail. I think this was more of an experiment.

Well, the man did as I suggested. He diversified his interests, theoretically minimizing the risks for both of us.

But I’m still bothered. It’s like a yo-yo effect. One afternoon I may feel incredibly close to him, so much so that I would swear I’ve never been more real with another person. And then later, when he’s open and honest about what’s going on with other women, I’m jerked away, so fast I almost have whiplash.

This of course is my fault. He wanted to commit to me. And for me to commit to him. For us to be bound to each other by promises and agreements. But I can’t do that. The thought makes me feel strangled.

So I suppose, in the end, my choice is between being a bit bothered or feeling collared, chained and choked. Why can I not feel free to love inside of a commitment? I don’t know. It’s like having my wings clipped. And compared to that, the nagging I-really-don’t-like-this twinge I get on occasion is no big deal.

Thoughts Sorted.


22 thoughts on “Sorting Thoughts

  1. I understand this… Wanting the forever, but bulking at it. Sabotaging the good thing. I’m not as blasé about the being wholly committed in the sexual intimacy, but that’s because I can’t juggle more than one guy at a time.

    Glad you sorted yourself out though. Seeing the option that’s the best makes it easier to go forward.

    • When I got to the end of my whirling thoughts and realized I was ok with how things stood, I felt exactly like I was tapping my wand on the Marauders Map and saying “mischief managed”. :)

  2. This title caught me because that is exactly what I do here…like trying to find matching black socks. Why on earth this shit is so complicated is beyond me, but it is. I have whiplash all the time as well. My emotions and my intellect do not seem to match at all. Maybe they are not supposed to correspond. (?)

    Je t’embrasse,

    PS: I love your flower! Beautiful! :)

  3. The most important consideration for me is that you are happy with your decisions. So many read and think of what they would do, how they would handle things, but while the writing and the flowers give you an outlet, it matters what you feel. But I guess that is just me…. I care for flowers too, although if they are in a bed they better have a solid border, otherwise they are fair game when I hit the riding mower….. hehe.

  4. I have struggled with this more than once, on both sides of the equation. Generally I counsel open, honest, and thoughtful conversation, starting with yourself. It sounds like you’re well on your way with that.

    But there is another element to consider here: tact. Part of your honesty with yourself should be admitting what level of disclosure you’re comfortable with (and again, I think you’re well on your way to defining that) and sticking by it. It’s honest enough to know he has relationships elsewhere; you don’t have to hear him describe dribbling honey on her mouth while he blows his load on her tits. On the other hand, if visualizing that gets you horny, tell him.

    Finally, if you’re both being clear about hierarchy, where you rank in each other’s love life, that helps with expectations. Again, seems like your thoughts are well sorted.

    • My thoughts seem sorted one minute and then get tangled the next. But I’m doing ok. Myself and I … We talk a lot. ;-)

      I realized today that I must care about him more than I realized because of having any reaction at all. Now to sort through that…

  5. Hmmm …. reading through this and all the comments, you seem to have a dilemma. I have always thought of you as the dilemma-less woman. Good luck working through it.

Talk to me. Please.

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