Right now I’m in a large restaurant, sitting alone towards the far corner with my back to the room. This is profound in ways that could seem minor, but aren’t to me. You see, I don’t sit with my back exposed, unable to see what’s going on around me.
I feel like this represents a shift inside me. My shifting, changing outlooks, positions, this is nothing new. But somehow what I’m feeling now is new. Perhaps it’s the result of the intense focus I’ve been putting on my health and body.
Last night at the track, in the dark, on lap seven I experienced what Nathan has called “the gazelle feeling.” As I rounded the corner a burst of energy exploded inside. And for a full straight, I flew. It was as if my feet weren’t touching the ground. That’s never happened to me before… an euphoria from pushing my body further and harder that I believed possible.
I called Nathan afterwards to share my joy. But he was distracted, focused on work, and the conversation left me feeling empty and alone. He tried to sound enthusiastic. He really did. But what he truly wanted was for me to stop talking so he could solve a major work issue and go to bed. And that’s okay. I don’t need to depend on him for my happiness.
Over the years with lots of trial and error I’ve become pretty good at seeking out my own happiness. And in this moment of my life I feel strong. Unbelievably strong. Things have happened that have pulled back some of the curtains in my mind. I’m not interested in free and easy sex. It leaves me emptier than I was before. I feel gross and disgusting afterwards. I don’t fault myself for seeking that out in the past, but it simply isn’t good for me anymore.
So is it this strength that causes me to choose the seat facing away? It is what’s allowing me to pick at my salad, blind to room behind me, and write this post without feeling the hair on the back of my neck stand up? Perhaps. Whatever the cause, I’m so very content with who I am and more accepting of my unconventionality than I ever have been before. And my willingness to step outside the traditional, the norm, the expected, may just be what results in my contentment being long-term rather than fleeting.