What It Feels Like to Be the Second Choice

Upon realizing I was second choice I first tried to rationalize it. Though I wasn’t what was really wanted, I was still desired… desired deeply. And that was good, wasn’t it? And we could create something all our own, couldn’t we?

So in the beginning, being second choice feels hopeful. Because you’ve still been chosen. And perhaps you weren’t the original dream, the original fantasy, but you were the reality. And living, breathing flesh and blood is better than what might have been. Isn’t it?

I tried. I did. I tried to not let the friendship with his One bother me. But instead, it began to slowly eat away at the foundations.

He tried. He did. But I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t be what he needed. And I wasn’t strong enough to share the stage with another. Especially when it felt like he needed her more than me.

So at the midway point being second choice feels confusing. As one who always believes things can be “fixed” I thought, if I’m just understanding enough… if I can just be what he needs enough it will work. A pattern of less than full disclosure began. He avoided telling me about their communication. And I avoided asking. Because how horrible would it be to ask… And then be told no… that I couldn’t know what was going on between them.

So then being second choice begins to feel scary. Because I didn’t know where I stood anymore. Everything felt out of balance. Uncertain. I felt… less than.

In the end, being second just isn’t enough. Not for me. I admire people who are self assured enough to share the stage, to share their man or their woman, who can balance three-pronged relationships. But that isn’t me.

I need to be someone’s One.

31 thoughts on “What It Feels Like to Be the Second Choice

  1. I can relate to you, my dear. You will definitely be someone’s One. I have no doubt…and it’s what you deserve. To be primarily in someone’s life…to not have to share them with anyone.

  2. No one deserves to be number two and certainly not someone as caring and sensitive as you . The world tends to confuse people with a strong sensual and sexual intuition as stoic insensitive unattached souls .the most Beautiful orgasms do come from a deep passionate embrace followed by passionate ribald coupling:). Take care babe.

  3. There is something deeply unsatisfying about that situation. I’m glad you got out from under it and I hope you find someone more worthy of your affections.

    • Thank you Joe. He was and is worthy. And a wonderful, intelligent, caring man. I hope what I wrote didn’t paint him as not. But the situation, while beautiful in the beginning turned stressful…

  4. Knowing who you are, what you want, what you desire and more importantly, what you are worth and what you deserve is so much farther than many ever get. I’m with Ann-you will be the one and only in someone’s life. And they will be so damn lucky when you choose them.

    • Thank you. Your words are so very kind. I’m learning why I don’t post things like this very often. The support is overwhelming. And I don’t feel deserving of it. I only show part of me here.

  5. I, too, can’t understand how someone could share the stage with their lover/partner. It feels too emotionally crowded to me. I’m also with Ann, you totally deserve to be the primary, the One, in someone’s life. And they will be insanely lucky.

      • I think my problem lies in being SO ready to accommodate emotional differences almost immediately…I’m just now figuring that out. A major factor for me is that I define “little differences” TOO widely. I should respect my feelings. Instead, I partially listen to my feelings and make excuses for something that continually doesn’t feel right as if I’m supposed to for some reason.

  6. As much as I hate to be contrary…no, wait, I love to be contrary. Anyway, I feel for you. I understand completely where you are at. I have been second before, and second place sucks. But I don’t think all shared relationships require “places.” I think that it’s entirely possible to love more than one person, and not love ANY of them any less than the other. Is it hard to do? Sure it is…but so is loving just one person. Love itself is damn hard. Is it for everyone? Certainly not. Just as some people just aren’t wired for monogamy, some just aren’t wired for polyamory. The important thing is recognizing this in yourself, and finding someone who compliments what you are wired for. :)

Talk to me. Please.

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