What It Feels Like to Be Objectified

It feels good.. . until it doesn’t.

Entering a space, confidence high, the appreciative looks of men feed me, building my strength. There is power in feeling like the most desired woman in the room. They don’t know me. But they want me. At least they want that which they are presented. When I’m not known, being what some would call objectified feels like a compliment. The exterior is all that can be responded to. And the armor may be artful, but it’s also titanium grade. The responsive energy just polishes it up.

There is a difference to me between being someone’s fantasy and being someone’s object. As the fantasy I’m still shielded, part of me unknown in one of two ways—either my heart or my appearance. I love being a fantasy. It’s when the armor is pierced that it goes awry.

It’s when the armor is pierced that it goes awry.

It’s when the armor is pierced that it goes awry.

“Why are you still dressed?” ExBoss once asked soon after I crossed the threshold. It wasn’t the question that stung. But his tone. I cared deeply for this man, and had opened my heart up to him. He knew me, not just how I looked, but how I thought, what I was passionate about. But that night, as far as he was concerned, my purpose was to be his release. That was it. Other than as visual and physical stimulation, I held no other value to him.

At the time I laughed it off and said something coy like, “Because you haven’t undressed me yet.” But the seed of abasement had been planted. And when I drove away into the night, the smell of him on me, I seemed to be nothing more than his cum rag. That didn’t feel good.

In the digital world it’s different. There the approach is often reversed. Emails lead to online chatting, which can turn into texting and phone calls. Time is spent knowing the other person. And sometimes it stops there. But every now and then, it doesn’t. Sometimes pictures are requested. If I acquiesce then suddenly I’m known in a different way. And then which direction will it go? The faster it escalates, the easier it is to see.

At its basest, I was making sexy faces at the computer watching his hand move in blur on his cock, until his seed was spent. Afterwards I felt a bit dirty. And used. But wasn’t sure why.

It wasn’t always like that. Sometimes it was wonderful. Sometimes watching him come is what took me over the edge. And after it was done, I floated, feeling somewhat sated. It was not the real thing. It wasn’t having him there next to me. But it was better than nothing at all.

It began to feel scummy when the time spent getting to know me, to understand me, was overshadowed by the desire to cum while watching me. During those times I believed I was nothing more than a fuck toy. And there is so much more to me. Good things. But those weren’t as important. All he wanted was to see a little boob so he could get a hard-on. And fwap fwap fwap… face contorts. And explosion.

At the same time, focusing solely on the cerebral leaves me wondering if a man finds me physically attractive. My self worth is all tangled up in my intelligence, my wit, my creativity, my appearance, and my sexuality. When the armor is gone and I’m laid bare, it’s my responsibility to make sure who I expose myself to values all of me.

My weakness is that I find the attention addicting. I revel in the praise of my appearance. I want it. Until that’s all it is and the vicegrip of self loathing circles my throat and I can’t breathe.

 

46 thoughts on “What It Feels Like to Be Objectified

  1. This is a great post on an intriguing topic. I agree in the digital world – where your image is not known to the other – than the beginning of engagement is founded in an attraction beyond your image. Your blog would be a good example of this. Mine as well (until I posted that pic, I suppose).

    But in other digital worlds, like online dating, where your image is known, you can be “just” an object from the very beginning. I have had interactions where the moment after the “hey” is a “can you show me your tits”. I don’t like it… it’s all in the balance… and it’s difficult for me to explain to men how to know when they’ve crossed the line.

    So…your words give me a good way to start to articulate my own thoughts on the matter. Thank you :)

    • I’ve never ventured into the online dating world so have no experience in that realm. But can absolutely see how an opening (or second line) such as “can you show me your tits” would have a very negative reaction. It would be similar to meeting a man at a coffee shop and after the third sip of my latte being asked what kind of panties I was wearing. Lines that people normally wouldn’t cross in person are so much easier to traipse across in the online world.

  2. The eternal catch 22 for a woman. “Don’t just see me as a sex object, but always be attracted to the way I look and let me know it.” It’s a conundrum we as men have tried to decipher since the beginning of time. Not to say it’s a conscious choice for you (women), it simply IS. What we hear is, “Love me for my heart and mind, but WANT me for my body” and yet we never get an instruction manual telling us where the line is. Please don’t leave it to us to “just know”. :) What a great post!!!!

    • It was important to me to capture and acknowledge the contradictions. I know we (sorry women for putting us all one group) aren’t always the easiest creatures to figure out. But your thoughtful comment says you at least try. And in my mind that’s 80% of it right there… the effort. Hugs. And thank you. :)

      • You captured the contradictions very well and it’s kind of you to notice the effort. :) It’s always those pesky contradictions that get us, both men and women. We know they exist, but in the moment “expect” the other person to just “get it” or “get us”. It’s never that simple, is it? So why do we continue to expect it? People are funny. That’s what make the ride so damn much fun. :)

        • Expectations are a double-edged sword, aren’t they? On one hand they help us define our standards. On the other, they can become something to be lived up to in a negative way. People are VERY funny. And fascinating. So yes… it makes for a very good ride.

          • Excellent point!!!! I love expectations. The higher the better. The trick is not being disappointed if they are not lived up to. Set them high and even getting close puts oneself (or others) farther they would have been with lower expectations. Expect an “A” and get a “B”, is better than expecting a “C” and getting a “C”. That said, your point about it being a double edged sword….. Very true.

            Damn I love philosophical discussions. This is the kind of thing that could be discussed over a campfire while enjoying S’mores and a bottle of wine, listening to coyotes sing, debating until the sun crests the horizon. :) How fun would THAT be????

            • It sounds like you possibly do what I do, and that is to have very high expectations of one’s self, but perhaps give others more grace than you would be willing to give yourself. It’s a philosophical discussion indeed. I tend to shy away from debate do to my non confrontational nature. But I’ll listen. And contribute. And discuss things for hours. But there really are more serious matters. Such as, what type of wine goes best with s’mores? I’m thinking a smooth red, one without a lot of tannin.

              • A smooth/semi sweet red (any good late harvest) definitely with the chocolate and graham cracker , but IMO the marshmallow part goes with a white (Chenin Blanc). It’s a wineage conundrum and personal taste as all wine is. (Wineage is my word. You can borrow it if you’d like). I’ll drink a white with steak or red with my fish if I want to. There are not rules. :)

  3. A very well thought ouf piece if I must say. As a woman you’ve got it tough it has to be said. The line between fantasy and objectification is so easily crossed and society doesn’t help with insane standards of beauty bombarding us from all angles.
    You are right in that it is not WHAT is said but How it’s said and by whom. A wise man will appreciate both and see the beauty, and desirability, in every aspect of you.

    • I hope that this didn’t come across as me complaining about men. I’ve said many times how much I love them. I see the challenges as personal ones… Finding my own boundaries and communicating those to ones who are close. And that goes back to the line. It’s different for everyone… Which does make it tricky, huh?

  4. Fantastically written . It made me pause during a busy day and consider all the feelings that lay masked sometimes .

    Best

      • Concur Marian dear . Sometimes I think that kind words will satiate my deep rooted desire to be liked . Sometimes I think it may be a caress . And then there are the defining moments when I am jolted by the omnipotent hand of reality . We all wear a mask but only some of us wear it like a second skin.

  5. I’m trying to think of a male equivalent to relate to this. I don’t think there is one. The closest thing I can think of is the way in the old world that men could trade their money or power for a woman’s beauty or submission. My girl said that when a guy in her small town high school said that women were a support system for a pussy, she answered that men were a support system for a wallet. I think there was truth in that, and as ugly as it is, I think it’s still there in some way, deep in our lizard-brains.

    • When I was writing it I was trying to come up with a male equivalent and the being used for money was the only thing I came up with as well. And in its own way I believe that is just as uncomfortable, perhaps worse for some. On another note… THEO!!!!! You’ve been dark for so long! I’ve missed you!

      • Missed you too but it sounds like you’re getting your good times in. Not dark, just busy. I want to post some more filth soon.

  6. In one way or another I suppose I always ask “what are you wearing” but rarely am I referring to articles of clothing. Instead, I’m interested in who that person is, what drives them, what are their likes and dislikes, their strengths, their weaknesses – basically that which gives their soul a presence. I’d be lying if I never wanted to ask those questions that border on objectifying, but I hope my approach is better received than what you speak. I usually broach the subject when the woman has already mentioned her clothing or body in casual conversation. Only then do I request a peek, oftentimes in a playful manner, disputing her claims that she doesn’t look cute, her butt is gross, or what have you. The times that I have blatantly objectified someone has always made me feel guilty, but then again I might be a bit more susceptible that particular brand of emotion. I always feel guilty for something LOL

    • I would be extremely surprised if you’ve ever caused a woman to feel objectified. You have a keen sense of peoples emotions and are very considerate when weighing how you should respond/interact with people. As is shown by how you explained yourself above. :) Now to work on that unnecessary guilt you often feel…
      xoxox

  7. It is constant and constantly with us. The eternal tug-o-war and nearly impossible to separate. You defined the parameters perfectly. Love me for my brain, my spirit but do not forget to tell me I am beautiful, do not fail to ‘want’ me. It is difficult.

  8. What a great piece. And I get what you was saying. though there is a part of me enjoying it. Sounds worse than it is.

    Between desired and objectification is a very thin line. As you so nicely showed with the tone he said something. But a single word can make you feel bad.
    “You look stunning” or “you look stunning, babe”
    such a single word can create a world of difference. And nothing has happened yet.

    In the virtual word I think we agree faster to the second but feel awkward after.And not for what is said, but more for what we done. We (my thoughts) feel that we need to give more to hold on to the desire to be wanted.

    Again great post. And as said a part of me does not mind the picture and admire from a small distance.

    • Hi! And thank you for this well-thought comment. I’m sorry I’ve been so long in replying… Life has been happening lately. What struck me most about what you said is the part about feeling like we feel we need to give more to hold onto other’s desire for us in the digital world. I hadn’t thought about that. But now that I am… it strikes a chord and makes sense. Things here can be fleeting… so some just keep giving out more and more…

  9. This is a very intriguing post. Not many people take the time to figure out the difference between objectification and desire. And the role that appearance takes in either of those. It always drives me crazy when someone puts on a super low-cut slinky outfit and then complains all day that men won’t look them in the eye when they talk to them. Mind you most women won’t either. I’ve always been a “hidden is sexier” person anyway. Until we get to the privacy of our own little world.

    I do find though, that the written word can be so badly misconstrued that it is not easy to create pure imagery there either. Our thoughts on a person can fire off in one direction and get mis-directed. Leaving another impression completely. Now having said that I’ll read this over a hundred times to make sure it really says what I want. And still fail miserably.

    Thanks for putting into words what so many of us ponder frequently. I will make certain that I consult this when I am next intrigued by someone and wish to let them know it.

    • Hi. :) I’ve seen you around and enjoyed your blog but this is the first time I’ve been aware that you traipsed my way. So thank you, one for stopping by and two for these well written thoughts. I completely agree with you on the dressing for objectification and then complaining that objectification was received. It’s silly. And unintelligent.

      When writing someone… tone, inflection, body language… All those cues are gone. It’s no wonder there are misunderstandings.

      But please don’t misunderstand this. I’m very glad to begin to make your acquaintance. :)

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