Rod Stewart croons in his gravely, scratchy way, “I don’t wanna talk about it, how you broke my heart…” Tonight those lyrics ring deep and true for me. Not because of my heart. It’s quite intact these days. But because of life [read work] in general.
But I don’t want to verbalize the issues. I don’t want to talk about it. Why? Because when I do, I think I should be able to handle the stress, the pressure. When I say it out loud it all sounds doable.
But how I’m feeling is opposite that. It doesn’t feel doable. And to say out load that I’m hanging on by my very finger tips when I believe I should be able to handle all the responsibilities sounds weak. And oh how I don’t want to be weak.
But I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Is it weak to walk away? Can I walk away? Theoretically I know the answer to those questions. But how I feel isn’t lining up. Not yet.
I feel trapped. And can’t seem to get my head clear of the drowning waves of work long enough to make a plan of escape.
But at the end of the day, listen to me. And how shameful it is that I’m wailing about the stress of my job, when there are so many who don’t have one in the first place. I suppose it really is all about perspective.
But I still don’t wanna talk about it.