Conflicted

Every good story has conflict. That’s what we’re taught in our English literature classes. Without conflict there is no story, because resolving the problem—in one way or another—is the very crux of a story. Otherwise there’s no plot. And a plotless story… well it’s nothing more than words on a page.

I think of myself as a storyteller, and of this blog as a place to chronicle my own journey. Not so much in journal form, but simply a nook to let my thoughts pour out, a place to process my actions and my desires… especially those of a sexual nature because I had no outlet for that. I could tell my mother about troubles at work or my co-worker about a weekend trip. But what about those more deviant tales? Those live here.

But I’m less deviant now. The sharp contrast of how my sexual nature has evolved in the past two and a half years came into crystal clear focus last night. Pent up stress and anxiety due to work and changing of medications came bubbling to the surface. I desperately wanted to go to a bar, down some whiskey, and lure which ever man caught my eye to my side. And then… just toy with him. Like a cat with a mouse, tease and flirt, giving nothing but my smile and maybe a deep, lingering kiss at the end of the night.

But Nathan was coming in, so there would be no going out. Instead I walked a rapid two miles, envying the clouds above my head. That’s when I realized it has been almost a year since I’ve had an urge like that. Some of that has been due to the fulfillment I’ve found through this blog.

Relationships have been formed, attention given and received, phone calls exchanged and, in some cases, actual meetings have happened. These have led to some beautiful friendships, intense feelings and a steady long-distance emotional tie with a very special man.

I know the way I was feeling last night was just a random wild hare. But it also has me thinking… what if Nathan wasn’t in town and I had gone out? What if hot kisses against a dark wall had been exchanged? What if hands had wandered over lusty bodies before I pulled away and left him without a number? Would I have not told the story because there are readers who know me in person now? Especially because of one in particular who has a bit of an emotional claim on me?

I’ve always filtered everything I write. It’s my nature. Even my secrets have secrets. But now… where will I share them? Can I be that transparent?

Transparency isn’t my thing. When I really take stock of all the people I’m lying to right this moment, it’s startling. I lie to Nathan. I tell him we are a couple, one with a future. And we are. He is an amazing fit for me in so many ways. Our friendship and mutual respect is a strong foundation for what could be a long, happy life together. But I don’t tell him about my urges. I don’t tell him about this blog. I don’t tell him about having slept with a married man at my office.

Speaking of Jack, (the married man at my office) he and I are supposed to do an overnight work trip together in a couple of weeks. And I’m lying to him too. When he spoke of all the ways he wanted to have sex with me over lunch this week I just nodded, agreeing to his plans. But inside, I don’t know if I want to have sex with him. Weirdly, not because of Nathan, but because I know it would hurt the reader with whom I’m emotionally involved.

I know if I succumb to the heat of the moment things will change. So what do I really want to do? I want to lie. I want to lie to the reader if I have sex with Jack. But then here’s the real conflict, and a glimpse at just how truly selfish I am. If I’m not honest about what happened then I am slowly cornering myself, making it impossible for this blog to be what it has been for me for so long now… a place where I’m free to share my deviance without fear of repercussions.

The simple answer would be to just not be deviant. But I know me. I know how I’ve always been. And somewhere down the road… I will leave the pavement and go running through the dewy grass. And that sweet readers, is my conflict.

38 thoughts on “Conflicted

  1. Ah, my darling Noodle. You are being very transparent about your conflict… which I think is a very good thing.

    As you know, I have had to make some similar decisions – and although I’m sure it has caused my own special reader pain that I remain so honest on my blog – I simply must be true to myself.

    I know it’s a tough decision.

    xox

  2. Oh that conflict. I’ve struggled with that minotaur and had cuts and bruises because of it. The rub for me came in deciding how to be as authentic in expressing the self that started the blog – completely free to speak what I needed to speak. The truth of the matter is that we each have our own perspective that is true to us. That’s what makes you all interesting. If I knew you were mostly homogenizing what you felt, I don’t think you would come through as clearly and with style as you do. I think I would lose out on the colors of Marian. I do learn from you but it’s from the consistent underlying currents of who you are through what you say. How can you adapt for one reader? If you staret adapting for one reader then what. It’s that whole “If you give a mouse a cookie” thing happening on your blog. Please don’t change. Will what you experience be true to another reader? – maybe but it’s not for sure. Will what you write be your truth? If you’re honest it will be and you can make it as indirect as possible but your truth is YOUR truth, no? The big question to me is can you express yourself in a way that is authentic but not hurtful? That my friend is determined by who and how you’re perceived which you can’t really control unless you write tales and don’t express yourself as Marian ever. Can you write what you feel and curb your true feelings so no one is hurt? Maybe but how does that change your words and feelings in the first place? Are they still what you wanted to say or have you created a reflection of what you wanted which then isn’t quite real anymore. I think that the only way you can control this issue is to turn back time and start writing and limiting yourself to no interaction or sharing beyond simple civilities. I commend people who can do that but it’s too constraining to me. (I wish I had done that when things get tough and I’ve risked expressing myself but fuck it – that’s life. Live and learn or be safe.

    The real pivoting step I found was this: Was I willing to trust that the other person could be or would be greater than I if what I wrote was hurtful. Could I myself risk expressing my real and raw feelings – good and bad? My intention is to write things as I feel them to be true not because they are right. I don’t think I am “right” but I have to write as I feel, even if I find it to be wrong somewhere down the road. Trusting another to be greater than I am at that moment of publishing is a thrilling statement of trust when it works. It’s a revealing testament to my own perspective and character when it doesn’t. I value what I’ve learned about myself and others. Sometimes the risk is well worth it. I have to say it has been worth it every time. I’ve been saddened at times but again, that’s life. Saftey in expressing is sometimes necessary but I think it can also become a pimp of stagnation that hinders us horribly from becoming better people and finding better people. I think the risk is worth it and you just have to work a little harder to maintain the relationships you want. If you’re lucky, these types of conflicts show you the better parts people and of yourself and that’s a pay off that being safe won’t get you. Let your freak flag fly woman. Besides, who ever you’re considering found you and probably followed you because you wrote as you wrote. It would be some kind of crime if you changed. I think these are the juicy parts of life though. my .02 – sorry it looks like my 2.00 worth. xo, J Oh yeah – it’s scary.

    • Jayne. I absolutely adore you. Thank you for this. It’s not the first time I’ve been in a situation like this. When things went off kilter with the woodsman I felt gagged. In no way did I want to be hurtful. So I was just vague. This is different in that I’m not trying to explain something that has happened, but rather in danger of losing my space to write about things that could happen in the future.
      The good news is that the reader has read this post. And is sympathetic to my plight. :) so it really is a wait and see situation. He is hopeful there won’t be anything to write about with Jack. And there might not be. But somewhere down the line…
      I do know that I feel so much better. So much light… Just from being open about the conflict. And wanting to lie… That I believe this will remain a space where I continue to write freely.

  3. Be open, be honest, don’t be afraid to be the beautiful person you are *hugs* it’s scary at times, but it’s a comforting thing, to be open and honest, with yourself and all around you. Either way, great blog, you’re a good, wonderful person

    • Thank you Kurt. May I call you Kurt? I appreciate that you say I’m a good, wonderful person. But that is such a disconnect for me. I try to keep kindness as my center. But within that, I keep secrets. I misguide. I lie. It’s a self protection mechanism, I think. Maybe it’s because I’m such a private person, but being all open and honest freaks me out. And it isn’t even something I want to work towards. But I do want to preserve my space here. Where I’m sorta honest. About one facut of my life anyway.

  4. We all have our secrets . You are just vulnerably honest about them. For some of us it’s not about muting those urges but redirecting them to a source that does not judge us. In Hindu philosophy all energy flows from just below your stomach . No wonder they worship the lingam ( penis) and the yoni ( the vagina). But the goal of a seeker is to harness that stallion raging their belly and bestow it upon forces that unfailingly care for them. In your case that may be Nathan. So bestow your wondrous energy upon him.

    • That’s really beautiful about the Hindu philosophy. I didn’t know that… but I have long been conscious of energy and its movement. I was making Nathan homemade banana muffins last night when I read this… does that count? :D

  5. You show an openness and honesty, and I think it shows a vulnerability to talk about lying and being selfish. The last paragraph in your post summed it up very well, about the conflict going through your head and heart. Bear with me on this next comparison… it reminded me of the old Bugs Bunny cartoon, where Bugs is trying to make a decision, and an angel is on one of his shoulders telling him to do the kind thing, but a devil is on his other shoulder telling him to do the wicked thing. I don’t know if those angels and devils ever go away from our shoulders. We may listen to one more than the other, but I think they don’t ever fully leave, and they remind us of the possibilities of what we could do.

    • I love your comparison! It hits the nail on the head. And that is how it feels. There are times the angel wins and times the devil wins…

      Could do… I think lots about that. And not just in regard to sexual things. But in so many aspects. It’s actually a really positive thought… all the things one could do. It’s just a matter of choices.

  6. I’m sure you’ll find the path that you are happiest with. Don’t worry about what I think. I read this for your quality writing. Whatever you do I’ll still be here.

  7. I think it is very difficult. Many people, including myself start a Blog to just write down thought, or vent, or share an issue with a vast or tiny readership shape in the knowledge that they can say anything because no one has any idea who they are, Over time, things change and you can’t say what you want to say. That harmlessly admitting to an unknown public that you want to stand naked on the common and be sprayed with marmalade may be fine if no one knows you, but in time you make real friends, and have to become increasingly cautious about what you reveal. It sucks really, because just venting is fun, but consequences have a way of barging in on the greatest or most reckless event.

    • So Peter… I have to ask… what is it exactly about being sprayed with marmalade in a public area that is appealing to you? ;) I bet you’d smell delicious afterwards though.

      Seriously, you’re right. I hadn’t thought about it in terms of those who use blogs as a place to vent and then have the backlash from it. I’ve seen that happen… and it felt painful to me. For the venter and those who raged against it.

      It’s pretty cool how we make real friends doing this though, huh?

  8. There isn’t a single one of us that doesn’t have secrets and conflicts. You choose where and how to draw those lines and what boxes you want to get into. I think my dear, you also have to choose what ‘deviance’ means. I have never, not once seen your acts as deviant, emotionally true but never deviant. Only you can determine who you are true to, yourself or others, who at the end of the day, do not have a claim on you or your space today.

  9. I understand yr issues as well as anyone with a slightly erotic blog has. To tell or not to tell… and then what to tell. But with yr writing I think u can make up a story about a toaster and make it hot as hell :) so be the deviant in yr mind and let us know those stories.

  10. Marian, this is your very own private place you share with us, your lucky readers. While compromises are part of the real world (and THIS IS the real world is it not?) you need to protect “your space” and not give up what is important to you. Good luck in finding the balance you need between here and your “other” real life.

    Mike

    • Thank you so much. Just after writing this I feel less like I’m walking a tightrope and more like I’m meandering down a forest path. There’s still some balance to figure out, but I’m not as stressed about it. Thank you for the encouragement. I believe the reader I talk about would say something similar. And he has read the whole blog… so he knows the fluid personality I have. It keeps things interesting for sure! :)

  11. Honey, I love you so much and I feel for you. You put yourself out there in such a real way. I have always kept myself separate from the blogging world in part to avoid those corners of which you speak. However, I miss out on the connections you make. Life has a way to balance the scales, no? You make connections, but risk losing a private space to be wholly you; I make no connections and have all the space I need. I hope your dear reader understands that choosing the red pill doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t chase it with a blue one. xx Your Hy

    • Yes… you kept yourself separate… I admire that. But, like Jayne, I’m not able to do follow suit. :) And that’s ok, because I wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on the connections. I’m seeing a way elbow more room in my private space without giving the reader a black eye. I think.

  12. “These have led to some beautiful friendships, intense feelings and a steady long-distance emotional tie with a very special man.
    Awww, you mean a great deal to me as well, Marian.

    But onto your conflict…
    You have to follow your heart – and loins – wherever they may take you. After all, you’re a woman of GREAT passion and to deny that would be to deny your true identity, Marian.
    Don’t be anyone other than the woman I’ve come to know, admire and respect these last few years.
    Good luck, my friend.

  13. See… we who follow you, follow the you that you have created for us to follow. Do you follow?

    I think we all create characters that we want to be. We warp reality to suit who we have created, sometimes lying, sometimes just stretching the truth. Those dark, intimate corners that we spoke of earlier (or was it later?) are lodged in our minds as well as reality. And we hide things there… play there too, doing things we are afraid to do in the light. With your blog you have shone a light on that dark corner and allowed us to see what you’ve hidden and some of the playing you have done. I, for one, have enjoyed that but in no way do I believe there aren’t other warm, dark corners that you choose to leave dark.

    And warm.

    Enjoy those. You are in control here and can shine the light whichever way you wish. Without your light we are blind. But grateful for what you allow us to see.

      • I’m happy my words struck a chord with you. Allowing me to vent my thoughts in your comment section helps me too. So we can be a mutual admiration society. No need for thanks… just keep being you. That is more payment than I deserve.

  14. Marian, when I first started blogging it was to vent a myriad of emotions that were boiling under my skin. A lot of painful truths about my husband and my marriage, feelings I had for another man that wasn’t my husband, and self discovery of me. It was all incredibly raw, some of it downright cruel in the delivery of words and descriptions but it freed me of those thoughts, those feelings that had been weighing me down and preventing me from moving on. Then my husband discovered my blog and didn’t tell me. Instead he created his own and followed me. It didn’t take but one post from him for me to know that I was found out. At first I was devastated, I thought I just lost a piece of me and my safe place where I could come and tell my secrets. I called him out on it, he didn’t lie, I expressed my feelings and told him I couldn’t not express my truths anymore just because he could read my words. He understood and asked that I never stop. And so I haven’t, every time I write something it’s all of me. I will not compromise what I feel for anyone, I will not sugar coat my emotions to spare his feelings or anyone elses. They are mine, I own them, good and bad. Now all that being said, when I lost my anonymity I abandoned the idea that this was the place I would be able to share ALL. So while everything I share is genuine it’s not everything and over time I’ve discovered that’s okay. I’m still left with a piece of me that no one is privy too and I quite like it that way. What I’m getting at is continue being you, write what you want, share what you need, hold back if you like, lie when necessary, as long as you are doing it for you the feeling of conflict should be at a minimum if even present.

    xo

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