The Tornado Is Back

It’s not a literal tornado. One that blows houses apart, upturns cars and leaves a path of broken bits and pieces of ruble in its wake. But it’s how I describe it. This feeling. This darkness that is so unlike my natural sunshine. And it’s no fun.

It tells me that I’m a bad person because I don’t keep up with everything like I should. I’m not perfect, so I’m dreadful. It’s not pretty. It’s not good.

It’s an anger that builds up and swirls around faster and faster and I just want to get mad at anything just have something to get mad at to give it some type of release. Any release at all.

Logically I know what causes it. Fucking surgery. Fucking broken body. Fucking imbalance. And that helps. The knowing. But I still have to live through the tornado. I still have to try to control the fury that threatens to leave a path of destruction and broken bits in my wake.

Because I am the monster. I am the tornado.

56 thoughts on “The Tornado Is Back

  1. It’s a twister! Take some time to take care of yourself (I’m not saying you already don’t). Tornado’s eventually end, but while you are inside of it being tossed from here to there, at least you can enjoy the ride. My advice? Take a sexy bath. Wine. Sexy clothes. Take pictures. That’s what I’d do, anyways. ;)

    In all seriousness, I hope you hold on tightly. xo

    • Thank you sweet Shadow. This is bringing tears to my eyes. I’ve been managing this so well for a while now. It just feels like a huge setback.

      I’ll think about those pictures. And maybe some bourbon rather than wine. A bath just sounds like too much work.

  2. I want to offer you hugs, but I know when I’m unsettled/mad/angry/pissed the last thing I want is someone touching me. So instead, I am sending you a virtual punching bag and gloves. We got some LL spitin in the back ground, “Mama Said Knock You Out”. *I know you got the song stuck in your head now and you are welcome.* ;) Bourbon will be waiting for you when you are done with the bag.

    and if you want the hug instead, that works too. :)

  3. Damn, sweetie. I was in my own category V twister on Saturday. Still, I am in one, not as bad. I feel exactly what you are feeling.

    Hugs and squeezes!

    • I’m torn between my wants. I want to sleep. I want to be fucked senseless… I want to crash my car into something. Cleaning would be better though. Too bad you aren’t closer. We could clean together.

  4. Day 10 of the string of 12 hour days. (“Half days”!)
    Spent much of the day fu**ing up things. Simple things. Complex things. Things I have been doing flawlessly for 15 years.
    In some ways, I’m lucky here, because it really doesn’t matter in this business (at least day to day) what happened “yesterday”. What matters is what you are doing right NOW!
    Being one who’s “ADHD is perhaps the only thing that saves me from my OCD” … I think I can relate.
    (BTW … sidebar:… Shouldn’t it be “CDO”? (Alphabetical order as it SHOULD be, right??”)

    I have agree with ‘Tis.
    Sleep well. Get the rest you need (if you are able).

    If nothing else, remember that there are … who KNOWS? how many people are rooting for you to find the path that works for you. And also remember that, no matter how fu$#ed up life may be… no matter the challenges … You have risen above and conquered so MANY things! Most of which seemed insurmountable at the time! But you surmounted, didn’t you? It just takes not giving in to the tiredness, not giving up.

    I know that that is easy to say, but I’m in the middle of much the same thing as you are. At least in some ways. What else IS there but to persevere?

    You have PROVEN your ability to overcome. Keep remembering that!

    • Oh DG. I’m sorry you had a rough day too. Thank you so much for the encouragement. It helps so much. You’re right. I’ve never given up. It’s just way more appealing than it should be. I shouldn’t daydream about it.

      So I will sleep. Because after all… Tomorrow is another day.

  5. For me, exercise is great for getting out some of the wave of anger, frustration, annoyance when they appear. But in the comments, you said you’re too tired to punch… so maybe some of that bourbon and a really stupid funny movie to make you laugh.

  6. ((HUGS))

    I know you’re not into the same kinky life I am, but I know that feeling in my own way, and frankly, nothing but either rough sex or a spanking will help. I used to have to ride out the feeling, and the downward spiral could take days to recover from…now it’s more like hours. There’s something about the physical aggression and release that’s cathartic.

    If that’s not an option, warm baths and punching bags as prescribed above could help, too.

  7. Marian,

    A Tornado is not a monster, it is a naturally occurring phenomenon. It is the consequence of two opposing forces coming to blows. It is a wonder in its terror. It has the ability to leave great destruction in its wake, but that is no more the tornado’s fault than it is the rain’s fault that it has flooded. These things happen, uncontrollably, without warning.

    From destruction comes reconstruction. Don’t crash your car into anything. But a punching bag might help. Sticking your head out of your window and screaming into the open night air as they do in Uppsala, Sweden, might help. Man (and Woman) is an animal, and sometimes the beastly sides of us must be let out and then soothed.

    You’ll pull through. You’re strong. Rather than the Tornado, consider yourself the ancient oak that bends under the tornado’s winds, but doesn’t break. This will pass, like so many other things. Unfortunately, it is always more terrible in that moment than it should be.

    Also, all my love.


    • Fatal… this is so beautiful and encouraging. Thank you so much. My car and I both are intact this morning. No craziness. At least none that manifested itself outside of my head.

      But that screaming into the night air. I might need to try that. Nathan needs the strength of that ancient oak to weather this. I’ll try to find a way to pass that on to him.

      Again. Thank you.

      Most of all for the love.

  8. A tornado cannot be a monster by definition. What you’re going through is not monstrous, only if you take it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it can it become a negative force. Deep breaths, my love, ride the wave rather than trying to control it.

      • Yes, to quote Futurama .. “words are wind” … but, the key is to let go of self-recrimination. Commit to better decisions.

        Love you, dear.

  9. When the storm rages here I either garden (there is something primal in literally ripping the weeds out by hand) or if that is not possible I clean or rearrange furniture, which ever I do I keep doing until every muscle in my body screams for mercy and sheer exhaustion forces my body to shut down and let me have dreamless sleep, but I always try to remember however hard it is to weather the storm things are usually so much clearer and brighter after it has passed

    • I love the idea of you gardening. :) it’s sweet somehow. Ripping those weeds. I went on a run tonight and set my fastest average pace ever. I just think I didn’t run long enough.

  10. I’ve been in your shoes. They smell nice, by the way. Regardless, if you can find solace in close friends until the storm has passed then that’s your best option. Until then, try not to suck anyone into your turbulent life that is a whirling funnel of death.

    Much love,

    • The smell nice bit made me smile. I did pretty good today. And then was a total bitch with Nathan tonight. He knows what’s going on. But he used to sweet, kind, patient Marian. It’s giving him whiplash.

  11. I think that is the good thing with relationships that progress – we get to know more of the person we are with. And if the tornados and bitches that come with the sweet and patient are accepted and understood (lucky!) then you know its worth something. Still, I hope you’re feeling a lot more than just a bit better today. Hugs!!

  12. I’ve always known you were a force of nature, Marian.
    So you wreak a little havoc every once in awhile? So what?
    You’re GORGEOUS!
    You’re talented.
    You’re intelligent.
    You’re allowed a swath of destruction or two…

Talk to me. Please.

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