Selfie Sunday and Thoughts on Standing Between My Past and My Future

I’m here in the hospital listening to my grandmother softly snore. Thoughts of the past week swirl through my brain while I simultaneously attempt to fight off a headache. I remember the feelings I had when Mr. Past showed up to rescue Christmas dinner. This was before we realized Grandmother wasn’t “just tired.”

Instead of snow, brown leaves drifted down from the giant live oak tree underneath which my father and Nathan were attempting to fry a turkey. But with no propane in the tank they weren’t getting anywhere fast. Phone calls were made and with Mr. Past down visiting his own family he soon heard of our dilemma. And fifteen minutes later, there he was. Propane procured, looking better than he ever has. Ever.

When he hugged me hello it was tight but brief. Nathan was standing right there. As was my father. Our past is our secret. It wouldn’t do to let slip what we are to each other now. So what did I feel in those moments standing between him and Nathan? My past and my future? It was a twisted sort of nostalgia. One that longed for the simplicity of when we were everything to each other. Not just because of that magical season, but because of all that surrounded it.

Back then my grandfather was alive and healthy. My grandmother didn’t need to hold on the wall for balance. I had my whole life ahead of me with so many possibilities. Those things and more, I miss. But the twist to it is that now I have settled into a life path that I’m successful at and enjoy. I don’t want to ever have to relearn all the things one learns from 16 to 33. So while the ache for the old days and Mr. Past’s touch was acute, I shifted to Nathan’s side and place a hand briefly on the small of his back.

However, that would not be the last time I saw Mr. Past during my visit.

So here I sit, in the chair I slept in last night, in the clothes I slept in last night, composing my thoughts into words.

Selfie Sunday - January 4th

Selfie Sunday – January 4th

17 thoughts on “Selfie Sunday and Thoughts on Standing Between My Past and My Future

  1. My grandpere is in the hospital too. Very scary time. Lots of uncertainty. Thinking of you and your family.

  2. What is it that they say? “What is fun in your formative years can turn to folly as an adult.” What ever memories mr Past stokes in you I doubt either of you will have the same experience should you dare to relive them.

  3. Such a difficult season for many families with members who have failing health or are passing. What is it about the holidays that people seem to go through these struggles , lre now than at any other season of the year?

  4. I’ve found that thinking in a hospital tends to be much different than anywhere else. And you describe a balancing act in feeling the ache, but choosing to stay by Nathan. I very much hope your grandmother recovers quickly and is able to leave the hospital soon.

  5. You’re a knockout, Marian… even exhausted and disheveled.
    Our lives are intertwined right now; my father-in-law has been hospitalized this week and so the issue of mortality has been foremost in my mind for days.

    Be well, my beautiful friend.

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