Dancing With Boundaries

I promised a post where Mr. Past would make an appearance. This is the first one.

I sat curled up in the hospital chair watching my grandmother sleep. It was my shift. My phone chimed and I smiled as I read the “hope you had a safe trip home” text from Mr. Past. He didn’t know I was still in town.

“I’m still here,” I told him. And then proceeded to fill him in on all that had happened with my grandmother.

He wanted to know where I would be sleeping. At that time I wasn’t sure, but told him I would probably be alone at my grandmother’s house. The wheels began turning. He began plotting how he could get away for an extended amount of time. I began remembering what it felt like to have his hands and body on me. My grandmother slept on, oblivious to the plotting taking place just feet away.

However, as much as I wanted to have some alone time with Mr. Past I was afraid of how I would feel if I did have sex with him. My relationship with Nathan has, for the moment anyway, taken precedent over my lusting nature. The side of me that keeps winning is the one that wants to curl up with Nathan, calm in the knowledge that I have saved my body for him. That, while I may flirt and have my many secrets, I do halt before another man is inside me.

If Mr. Past and I were alone in a house I did not trust myself to keep those boundaries in place. You see, though I try to posture as strong, I know that I am weak. So, when Mother called and said she would like to get a full night’s sleep on a real bed and asked me to continue my shift until morning I was relieved. But also disappointed.

Ahhh… the conflicting emotions. I craved alone time with Mr. Past. But didn’t want the guilt of sex with him. I texted Mr. Past to let him know I would be staying at the hospital all night and that our rendezvous at Grandmother’s house would be impossible. He already had his plan of action in place, so offered to come by and see me there.

If I hadn’t been afraid of waking Grandmother up I would have done a little happy dance in the room. I would get to see him. Without the prying eyes of his family or mine.

14 thoughts on “Dancing With Boundaries

  1. There’s something irresistible about engaging in acts we consider ‘wrong” isn’t there. Marian?
    But the thing is, acting on your feelings wouldn’t exactly be wrong. How could anything you feel be wrong?

    All i desire for you is happiness, Marian. If an insanely sexy, sweaty, forbidden rendezvous with Mr. Past makes that happen, I say go for it.

  2. Thanks Hook. I suppose I have a different barometer for right and wrong. I have actually been angry enough at someone to feel like I wanted them dead. So I feel “wrong” things. Yes. This is an extreme example. But what I’m trying to say is that I don’t trust my feelings to be “not wrong.” :-)

  3. I’m not sure I agree with you Marian. Your feelings, however intense, were not wrong. If you’d acted on them, then it would have been. But feelings are never wrong.
    Having written this, I also know that I have written I don’t necessarily agree with the Hook on this. The fact that you have feelings that want to be explored with Mr Past is not wrong. However, you and only you can decide if acting on them would be. Or maybe I should write you and Nathan. And from what I understand, it seems like Nathan would be hurt. So…
    My wish for you is that some day you feel comfortable enough in your relationship with Nathan to be able to act on your feelings without adding any guilt.
    But the question you should really ask yourself is this (or at least that’s my take on it) is this:
    If I sleep with Mr Past, will I regret it? That is, if Nathan learns about it, or if I feel compelled to tell him.
    And the other question is: Am I sure that I’ll live my life with Nathan? Even if I can never satisfy that yearning need for adventure I have? And if I don’t spend my life with him, will I regret not having slept with Mr Past, not taking that opportunity?

    • There is a big difference between just feeling feelings and then acting on them. I agree with that. When I was talking about feelings being wrong I meant the acted upon type. Killing the person in anger would be wrong. For sure. :-)
      Mr. Past is very married. Which adds a layer to things. He isn’t happily married either and it’s rather a sad situation that he making the best of in the moment.
      That said, married or not, I would absolutely regret sleeping with Mr. Past (or anyone) if Nathan found out.
      I would be devastated.
      Am I sure that I’ll live my life with Nathan? I don’t know how sure anyone can be about that sort of thing. But I know I love him. I know we are really good together. I also know that if I am committed to anyone, my need for adventure will have to have some boundaries. And the beautiful thing about Mr. Past is that he and I will be have opportunities again. For years to come. So regret on that side would simply be a postponement of satisfaction.

Talk to me. Please.

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