I promised a post where Mr. Past would make an appearance. This is the first one.
I sat curled up in the hospital chair watching my grandmother sleep. It was my shift. My phone chimed and I smiled as I read the “hope you had a safe trip home” text from Mr. Past. He didn’t know I was still in town.
“I’m still here,” I told him. And then proceeded to fill him in on all that had happened with my grandmother.
He wanted to know where I would be sleeping. At that time I wasn’t sure, but told him I would probably be alone at my grandmother’s house. The wheels began turning. He began plotting how he could get away for an extended amount of time. I began remembering what it felt like to have his hands and body on me. My grandmother slept on, oblivious to the plotting taking place just feet away.
However, as much as I wanted to have some alone time with Mr. Past I was afraid of how I would feel if I did have sex with him. My relationship with Nathan has, for the moment anyway, taken precedent over my lusting nature. The side of me that keeps winning is the one that wants to curl up with Nathan, calm in the knowledge that I have saved my body for him. That, while I may flirt and have my many secrets, I do halt before another man is inside me.
If Mr. Past and I were alone in a house I did not trust myself to keep those boundaries in place. You see, though I try to posture as strong, I know that I am weak. So, when Mother called and said she would like to get a full night’s sleep on a real bed and asked me to continue my shift until morning I was relieved. But also disappointed.
Ahhh… the conflicting emotions. I craved alone time with Mr. Past. But didn’t want the guilt of sex with him. I texted Mr. Past to let him know I would be staying at the hospital all night and that our rendezvous at Grandmother’s house would be impossible. He already had his plan of action in place, so offered to come by and see me there.
If I hadn’t been afraid of waking Grandmother up I would have done a little happy dance in the room. I would get to see him. Without the prying eyes of his family or mine.