Things Aren’t Perfect

Perfect is a high standard. One I tell myself I should let go of. It’s a lot of pressure you know… trying to be perfect all the time. Trying to live up the standards I expect of myself. But if I’m going to aim for a something, it should be high. Right? So then I revise my statement to “self”, crack the whip, and once again strive for perfection.

But things aren’t perfect.

I could write a very long list of all the things about me that aren’t. But I don’t feel like penning a post with that many words. So instead I’m going to talk about one aspect of my relationship with Nathan that isn’t perfect. This doesn’t mean that it’s the only part that needs work… just the part I’m choosing to write about at the moment.

The sex. It isn’t all I want it to be.

I want more. I want him to be more passionate. To manhandle me. To toss me across the bed and have his way with me. Somewhat subjective, I know. But if I stepped back and pin-pointed a key element that relates to all of those wants… the one missing act that I crave… I keep coming back to cunnilingnus. That’s right. I want the man to want to go down on me.

I realized this isn’t something he enjoys soon after we started having sex. He never made a move to go there. Even after copious amount of oral sex from me. It simply didn’t/doesn’t happen.

I tried making a game of it. We got in a faux debate over who sang a certain song and I knew I was right. So I told him, “Loser has to go down on the winner.” He laughed and said, “Sure!” But he still hasn’t paid up. Not for that time or the other three times he’s lost our now “usual bet.”

One of the sexiest things I’ve ever heard a man say was when a friend of mine was describing his first time seeing a girl naked. They were both in their teens and upon the removal of her bikini bottoms he said a switch just flipped in his head that said, “Oh. Mouth goes there.”

And there he and his mouth went. It was a natural reaction.

That’s how I feel about sucking on a cock. It’s supposed to go in my mouth. It feels so good there… tastes. so. good. Just thinking about it makes my tongue start to circle.

But Nathan obviously doesn’t feel the same way about my pussy. Is this something that can be taught? Can I teach him to love feasting on me?

I don’t know. But I’m formulating a plan.

61 thoughts on “Things Aren’t Perfect

      • I find that starting with 69 helps make one more “open” to suggestion. Also you might try things in the dark. Hard to believe but some men don’t find the lips sexy. I don’t get that personally, but hey everyone is different. And lastly it may be a taste issue so maybe some flavored whip cream or gel. Happy munching!

  1. Have you asked him directly why he doesn’t want to go down on you? It’s his insecurity not your anyway. It seems so right so he should reciprocate. Wish I could give you better advise or insight. Let us know…

  2. From my experience, no – it can’t be taught. Was something that my husband never enjoyed, and it still bothers me. We had a big discussion about why I stopped giving him head, and part of the reason – why bother if it’s not going to be reciprocated. I got tired of being the only one giving. I want to be wanted to, you know?
    So… This is actually a big deal to me, and a big red flag…

  3. Like you, it’s a natural reaction for me when I truly desire a man. Actually, it’s erotic instinct.

    I’m scratching my head about the fact he doesn’t want the same and isn’t devouring you at every opportunity. You’re clearly a passionate, intelligent and beautiful woman.

    I look forward to reading about your plans.

  4. It can’t be taught.

    They either like it or they don’t.

    Maybe just ask him what his aversion is? If it’s a bad experience maybe you can give him a good one?

    But you may need to ask first…

    • I’m so terrible at being direct when it comes to talking about things in relationships. I let things drift… see what happens. I can see from your thoughts and several that others have written that I will need to get myself geared up for a real “conversation” eventually.

  5. I don’t know about teaching him to love going down on you. Sharn might be right in her comment: men either like it or we don’t. Personally, I get off on my wife receiving pleasure — all those moans make it enjoyable for me. Have you asked Nathan directly why he doesn’t do it more often? Also… just throwing a thought out there: How about doing 69 more often, instead of straight-forward blowjobs, so he gives back instead of just receiving? Another thought: My favorite time going down on my wife is the few months after she’s been waxed, and right after she takes a shower. She tastes nice and snappy. Okay, I just embarrassed myself a little … but I thought I’d share, in case it might help you out.

    • I love that you shared that. :-) Makes me smile a lot. The 69 idea is a good one. I’ve shied away from that because it’s distracting for me. If I’m enjoying sucking a cock, that is where I want all my focus to be… not split between what I’m doing and what I’m receiving. But if that is a good way to ease him into it, then it’s worth a shot.

      • A thought about doing 69: Instead of giving and receiving at the exact same time, try taking turns. You suck on him for a minute as he just enjoys. Then he licks you for a minute as you just enjoy. A back and forth like this is fun, and he might really get into it. There’s the hope :)

        • Ah, I’m so glad for this suggestion because 69 is impossible for me! I’m with Marian. I can’t receive pleasure because I’m concentrating on giving pleasure and I can’t do my best work because I’m too distracted, and I ended up completely stressed. But taking small turns, yes, I get it. (I might try this today in honor of you, augustmacgregor!)

  6. I so agree with you. When I see a cock, I automatically want to wrap my lips around it and feel it in my mouth, the taste, the texture…
    Whether he can learn to appreciate cunnilingus? I don’t know, I hope for you he can. I don’t have enough experience with men to be able to say. The only one who I can really say didn’t seem to want to go down on me was my ex. Whether it was because he felt that no matter what he did at the time, I wasn’t going to come or just because he didn’t like it… I don’t know. I think, for him, it was mostly that he didn’t know that there are things to be enjoyed in sex if one is allowed to explore.
    I think the most important thing is communication. Tell him this is something you enjoy and miss, ask him why he doesn’t seem to want to go there. What is it that prevents him from doing it? Was he told as a boy that it is dirty? Did he have a bad experience? Does he not know how pleasant it is? What would make it more acceptable for him? Would he need to wash you himself, to be reassured you are ‘clean’? Is he unsure of how to proceed, what is enjoyable to you?
    Good luck with the discussion :-)

    • Oh sweet Dawn. You ask such good questions and I don’t yet have the answers to them. And if I do want the answers, I must breach that subject and actually communicate about it. You’ve given me lots of talking points. :) Thank you!!!!

      • Oh, you’re most welcome! These are just questions from personal experience, or gathered from discussions here and there. I know, I have the weirdest discussions at times, people just seem to open up to me :-)
        But yes, I do think that it would be good for you to communicate about it, before it leads to resentment…
        Good luck!

  7. As a man who went down on his wife once a year in a 15-year relationship, but got educated my Exgf, here’s how to do it…it’s all just a matter of education and patience.

    1) As you’re going down on him, after a while, stop and look up and say something, “You like receiving this? i like being on the recveiving end too” and smile, perhaps wink. DO NOT make it sound like a complaint. Try to make it sound like something new and fun.

    2) Make sure that you are totally clean shaven – not a single hair down below. The smell and taste of urine puts guys off. You’ll also feel more.

    3) Stop giving head and roll onto your back, smile at him and say, “I would absolutely love it if you were to kiss and lick me too,” pointing down below as you spread your legs.

    4) Most guys have a very poor idea of what’s where in the female genital region. We are intimidated by it. Nature makes it more complicated by making every woman slightly different. Tell him where you like being licked and where you like being sucked. Do it in an asking fashion, not instructing. His ego will get defensive otherwise.

    5) When he stumbles across your clit, tell him “Yes, that’s my clit. Keep going there.” and he should take the hint.

    6) If you don’t think that’ll work or you can’t pull it off, ask him to read this because you want his opinion on it:

    7) If after all that he shows himself to either be too selfish or too sexually repressed, then unfortunately you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to put up with years of disappointing sex.

    Be gentle because his ego is on the line. Every man thinks he’s a good lover. How you do this is vital. In most cases it really is just a matter of tactful education. If he’s a selfish prick, go find a better prick.

      • Yes and no. It doesn’t turn me on, but nor does it diminish the experience. I enjoy turning my partner on, I love the sounds women make – each one is different – and I now consider it essential foreplay. I’ve learned that women are almost always giving lovers, because if I go down on her she’ll do whatever I ask. A little bit of cunnilingus leads to a lot of whatever I want afterwards.

        I’ve go to the point now where I do get a kick out of playing with a woman’s g-spot. I’m amazed at how few have had that pleasure despite knowing of it. It just goes to show that the typical guy is an inept lover. Actually, I would say “uneducated” rather because I only learned about the g-spot a few years back.

        It’s this lack of education that I’m trying to address with my blog. I’m giving guys tips because none of us get any kind of training. I’m also showing women how they come across to guys.

        I think of sex as glue and barometer. Glue because it binds a couple together. Yes, oxytocin is involved. A barometer because if something is wrong in the relationship, it’ll show in the sex.

        Now don’t go pressurizing your man because he’ll withdraw. There’s something he doesn’t want to talk to you about. Think of it as dealing with a bear in a cave: you need to move slowly, be careful and be patient, otherwise you are going to get crushed and mauled. If you do this right, the two of you will be so strong together.

        If you become impatient and get this wrong, well you’ll be on Tinder. :)

  8. Nothing is perfect but I do think striving for it is the right direction to move in. All you can do is give it a shot. You have everything to gain. I get the sense that you know from reading everybody’s blog regarding these matters that it’s a deal breaker if it’s something you really want. Maybe he just needs your perspective and if this works out, you know he is also one to strive for something better in your relationship. That would be a great thing if you want him for the long term. Too bad our body isn’t as “self explanatory” as a man’s. : )

  9. So much good advice from the commenters here, not sure I have anything to add. No, a person can’t be taught to love eating pussy. I would hope, unless it is a hard limit, that a person would be willing to please their partner for the sake of making them feel gooey and melty, and that IS something that can be taught, by talking things out, just like everyone has said. Your pleasure is worth exploring and I’m sure Nathan knows that, he just maybe doesn’t know how important it is. Best of luck!

  10. One idea you could try is give him a toy to use on you when he’s down there. Might take away some pressure if he’s feeling some performance anxiety in going down. He could use the toy for part of the time and his mouth the other part. As he gets more comfortable less toy and more mouth. I’m guessing he intimidated for some reason…the pussy has a special power over men and he may be afraid of not servicing it right. .

    • The toy is a good idea. We haven’t introduced anything like because he is very traditional. I’m not sure how it would go over. But again… something great to think about. Love your last line. :)

  11. Veronica and I have a friend, she has another partner she sees once in a while and she’s told us that he won’t go down on her, some bs about a ‘bad experience’ with an old girlfriend.

    She’s tried and evidently failed to get him to go down on her, so based on that, I’m skeptical that it can be taught.

    As far as eating *your* pussy, well…. ;-)

    • If an experience was bad enough I can understand how that would take some getting over. Nathan and I don’t talk about our past sexual experiences… so I’m just guessing that perhaps he had one. I don’t actually know.

      And as to *my* pussy… It’s always nice to have a backup plan. ;)

  12. If anyone can pull it off, Marian…
    Maybe you need to make him a different deal?
    “I’ll give you the best (insert act of your choice here) if you give my girl parts a good shellacking!”
    That would work on me – if I didn’t already live for that particular act.
    Good luck, beautiful.

  13. “Teaching” is just not a thing that’s likely to happen. I think we all cringe at that thought. Even if that were possible, Nathan would probably be performing more as an obligation, and that ain’t gonna be a long term solution either of you will be happy about. Only resentment will result long term, not “perfection”.

    Whatever the reasons, the man currently has an aversion. And you can’t get rid of the aversion if you don’t know what it is. And addressing it is sure to be touchie for both parties. But it’s important for you, so having a drink together and addressing it squarely on is the only way. Sigh. And if everything can be addressed as best as can be done, then I think it’s possible Nathan could, over time, learn to love performing oral on you. You know what they say about the finest caviar. And that you are. Good luck!


    • My heart crunched when I read your first paragraph. I don’t know why anyone would cringe at the thought of a person teaching their lover what they enjoy. I’ve been taught many things in the bedroom and enjoyed the process and have come to love doing them. Even things I didn’t think I would enjoy. But this, him learning to please me in this way… you paint it as a complete impossibility. Or, that if it does happen, I will be resented for asking.

      Of course I have to find out what his aversion is… you’re right on that. And it’s part of the plan. So I do hope it works out.

  14. I had to come back because it hit me that you really were strong with determination about not having sex with your 2 other guys. If I remember well, they would have given you this. My hope is that it’s easier than you think. xo, J

  15. Ok I’ll speak on Nathan’s behalf because although I don’t *refuse* to suck cock, I certainly don’t do it for everyone and not every time. I’m just not that into it.

    I think I’ve been scarred because when I think of it, I just think of stanky smelling gouches. Male hygiene is absolutely important to me. I can still remember tasting a sweaty dick one time and needing to vomit in like 1 second. Absolute worst smell and taste combination in my life.

    But to get around the bad memories and have me enjoying it I need:
    *A gloriously good smelling region – there’s a certain shower lotion I use that smells soooo nice, I think it’s raspberries? Good enough to eat :D if any guy had this smell on his privates I would be there in a split second, yummm. So try different nice smelling shower lotions to lure him in!
    *Hairless definitely bumps them up in brownie points – I just find pubes so offputting..
    *A dom that I know, trust and respect who tells me to “get on my knees” will always get it – Maybe dominate him one night? Blindfold him, tie him to the bedhead, make him say “yes mistress” and “no mistress” and if he doesn’t, spank his butt. Then sit on his face haha! Even if just for 30 seconds and ask if he wants to keep going.
    *A sex marathon where everything and anything ends up happening proves to be successful (an old fwb got a bj at about the 6th fuck – of 10 – purely because I didn’t want to do the same things over again, I wanted something different).

    Hope that helps?

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