I do not crave men as I have in the past. They are in my life, on the peripheral. Fulfilling various, occasional needs. I do not mean that flippantly. Being loved and touched is still an intense need. And Nathan’s been doing an amazing job at both. But the drive to devour is all but gone. I think it is because I’m finding fulfillment elsewhere now.
The new job I took a while back is exciting, challenging and so very fun. It doesn’t feel like work. I’m pouring hour after hour into it, sleeping little.
Something just occurred to me. At my old job, though I enjoyed it, I was constantly constrained. Frequently reminded that I was in a cage. Controlled.
That is all gone now. Completely. I’m free.
Were my man-eating tendencies brought on by an attempt to have some form of power and control in my life? Was it a coping mechanism because of feeling so powerless in my day-to-day life at work? I don’t think my old job is completely to blame, but there’s something there. Maybe it caused my id to be exaggerated. Things to ponder.
My last posts before this one brought me to the brink of a close call emotionally. I was teetering on the edge of making a friendship with a man named Kevin something more than it should be. But not now. It was so easy for me to let it go. I didn’t bait him for more. I didn’t play the game.
I still think of Ian every day. Every. Single. Day. His death has changed me. If I thought I was an old soul before, I’m practically ancient now.
Maybe my dusty heart will be tempted to write again soon. Something with flow rather that the staccato thoughts that are coming at the moment. I don’t know.